Blessings Soul Family!

I’m back to share a bit more of my Sacred Rage journey. If you missed the start of it or would like to review, visit the blog page HERE.

When I last left off in my writing, I was grappling with the middle stages of this healing journey: acknowledging and digesting the “why” for the Sacred Rage. I didn’t have to dig too deep into that in the context of protecting Black children. I thought that this topic was easy and that’s what I addressed first. ;-) Of course it wasn’t easy because it brought up my father once again and the lack of protection from him. I had already taken the needed step of cutting off connection once it became apparent that no behavioral changes were going to occur on his part.

The Black Man/White Woman issue was different. I was blessed to have a Black male friend hold space for me with this in a full day conversation - literally we talked for a few hours throughout one day! He asked perceptive questions to help me stop dissociating from this topic and instead got me to really look at where my unconscious “stuff” was tied directly to a past experience with an ex, even though I was convinced this was a broader, collective experience I was healing. Spiritual bypassing was rearing its head with this one. (Note: It was also interesting to watch my friend navigate this triggering topic as he has had relationships with White women in the past and had a whole other part of this that he on some level had to reconcile.)

I had to laugh at myself internally at how much I did not want this dynamic to be a part of my “story”... as if certain grievances or hurts are more acceptable than others. I didn’t want to acknowledge how much it meant to be loved by and to build with a Black man. But my Fierce Protector was NOT here for me skipping over my “Blackness” in the pursuit of a universal view of love. (Yes, I know…. I clutched my pearls too. LOL)

Of course the other area of note that I had to dig deeper into was the relationship to certain members of the Archangelic Realm. This was by far the hardest and I waited a long time before circling around to this one. (I should mention that days of ‘coming up for air’ were prevalent in this shadow work. You can’t be in the deep for extended periods of time - you must sit in the Light for a while before journeying back into the Dark. This kind of work takes time.) I had fortunately burned through much of the emotional turmoil and volatility in this matter. And I became clear that my Sacred Rage wasn’t directed to the entire realm because the root cause was betrayal: there were those who actively chose not to fulfill their duties of protection for Earth and Her children. (This is different from those who were overwhelmed in their duties of protection and were doing the best that they could in light of the circumstances.) Sacred covenants were broken and again, my Fierce Protector was not having it.

These insights were garnered during steps 3 & 4. However, I knew that being able to enter into the final part of this healing journey (steps 5 & 6) would require deciding what the path for restitution or the balancing of karma would be for each of these three areas. It would not be enough to 1) become aware of the issues, 2) feel the emotions fully, 3) uncover the ‘story, and 4) analyze everything. No, things had to go a step further…

For the issues of protection for the children which circled me back to my father, I had to sit with the question: What could he do that would balance the karma? What did I feel I was owed that I didn’t get? I immediately knew what the sticking point was (and always has been) - the purposeful lack of financial support. When I tell you it was SO uncomfortable for me to even admit this to myself even though it’s always been a point of contention for me. But that’s what I had to do. I had to acknowledge and clearly state to my Fierce Protector that getting that back financial support paid would balance things for me. Immediately, I felt the energy shift. That was all that was needed: I had to stop lying about it and be honest about what I was really feeling, what I was really wanting, and not apologizing for it. (There was no guidance to have an actual conversation with my father on this topic and I don’t expect there to be. The point was to resolve the unconscious war within myself that I’ve been being “the good daughter” about. However, If I have to later on, then I will - this energy won’t allow for anything less than True Authenticity.)

For the issue around Black Men/White women in romantic relationships, I came to realize that the hurt didn’t show up in all cases. Rather the connection was to a wound I had around building community with that ex - the sense of betrayal was specific to those Black men who were revolutionary-minded who chose to be with White women. I’m still working on the resolution of this within myself….

For the issue with those members of the Archangelic Realm, I had to face the fact that I was automatically thinking that I would have to create new contracts with the “offending parties” and we’d have to find a way to work together moving forward. I was having trouble making headway with that mindset until I was forced to see how I couldn’t allow myself to simply say “No”.

I can’t make a choice until I accept all choices. And it has to be an option for me to say ‘No’.

No, I don’t want to reconnect. No, I don’t want to try again. No, I don’t want to give things another chance. This shook me deeply because the foundation of my spiritual walk is “Yes”. But again, this was spiritual bypassing rearing its head. I didn’t have to make it better (I also did not need to continue to be at war within myself or them). Everybody did not have to be a part of my journey moving forward. Naturally, this highlighted that codependent reaction (hyper-vigilance) of trying to manage another’s emotions, worrying about what they would do if I wasn’t there, not wanting to hurt another, etc. And of course, Fierce Protector was not having. When I accepted what was really on my heart and said “No, I’m done”, I could immediately feel the connections dissolve and felt incredibly light and free.

Ultimately, what this final portion of the healing cycle represents is laying all the cards on the table so that one can walk away. If there's unfinished business, then we can't do that. Notice it's not a matter of whether we get said things being requested, but rather that we complete the cycle on our side of things.

When we’re done, we’ll move on.

With that said, I’m still on this journey. I was told that I’d have another 6 months (minimum) of my conscious walk with my Fierce Protector as we’ve now entered a new stage which is primarily centered on integration/action vs healing (which is what these 6 steps have been).

This part of my journey is not to be shared unless I receive instruction later on that it’s cool do to so however, I’ll leave you with this:

Don't rush the process of Shadow work.

This is not and never will be a thing your ego can manipulate to fit into a neat box.

This work must come from the heart and it must be given it’s proper time.