Content Warning:

This is a raw entry and a very long one.

Sacred Rage.

This has been coming up for me specifically over these last 2 weeks as I grapple with the after-effects of the spirit work the Lightworker Incubator Alumni group facilitated on the martyr/savior archetype. In my therapy sessions I’ve been able to delineate the myriad of ways this has been showing up for me…

…first with sharing of my grievances to the Archangelic Realm. I’ve been furious for a long time for what I perceive as them dropping the ball as protectors of our Sun, our solar system, our planet. I’ve been mad about how I and others (as various aspects of Earth’s children) have had to take on roles of protection that are far beyond what is (or was even meant to be) appropriate for us. How we’ve had to distort ourselves—deny our nature—to protect the innocent.

Rage. Disappointment. Frustration. Where were they when we needed them? Why were they divided among themselves? Presence listened, intently. The words—and yes, I was speaking out loud in the council—the grievances would be Aird. These were taken seriously, with deep appreciation and heart. The accounting of the effects needed to be acknowledged by all.

I was reminded of the longer cycles of ‘light’ (coherence/unity/Satya Yuga) and ‘dark’ (dissonance/division/Kali Yuga) that we are bound to as a solar system. Of course, I was mad about that too—why did we have to dip above and below the galactic ecliptic? Why could we just hover above? Was that level of polar extremes necessary for a collective of bodies so far from Source (Galactic Center) at the very edge of an outer arm?…

…second with a myriad of emotions that are triggered when I see a Black man with a white (or white-passing) woman. For a long time I thought this wasn’t a big deal to me even though something about it never quite sat well with me. It wasn’t until recently that greater emotional maturity and historical awareness has given rise to greater emotional discernment. There are at least 3 different emotions that have been clumped together.

The first is shock/confusion—I truly don’t understand why a Black man in the modern world (whether of the diaspora or the Motherland) would choose to partner with a white woman; the second is terror—I have a stark, abject fear for a Black man’s physical safety when I see him with a white woman because we are nowhere near distant enough from colonialism, slavery, the KKK, etc, where I would think a Black man should feel that comfortable; the third is betrayal/rage due to a feeling of being discarded as a Black woman and knowing that a white woman could not in any way support ta Black man through the unique challenges he experiences. Naturally, this is all a very real and raw thing for many Blank women. I recognize that this feeling is in my body, my bones, my blood. DNA memory is powerful….

…third, the rage and desire for war given the violence towards Black children. The murder of 15 year old Quawan Charles happened during this time and the quiet, mundane access to him him that led to his violent death hurst even more than the loud aggression visited upon Trayvon Martin on his walk home. Those quiet ways in which violence & various abuses breach minimal or non-existent protection around children hurts me deeply. They are so vulnerable. Black children are so vulnerable. I was so vulnerable.

As I talked through these seemingly unrelated areas of Sacred Rage with my therapist, I came to realize that they were all rooted around themes of ‘protection’. The Protector aspect of the martyr/savior archetype is a new area for me. I know intimately the nature of the martyr/savior, i.e. the emotional mule for others, the distorted mother, the toxic feminine. But this—the Fierce Protector—I had not consciously known, although it knows me.

This wounded part of me wanted to know why there couldn’t be 100% protection. And it’s not about the avoidance of Death, which is natural, but rather the intentional, manipulative violence that leads to death (or ‘stops short’ at abuse). The most that can be done is 99%—maybe—but there’s always that 1% that can still cause trouble. The Fierce Protector is having a hard time reconciling that.

And this is also where the bitter resides.

This bitterness is willing to do whatever it takes to protect, even at the expense of self. This bitterness resents the Higher Realms. This bitterness feels betrayed by Black men dating/married to white women. This bitterness feels enraged around the predation and violence visited upon Black children.

But this bitterness also acknowledges that human affairs are our collective responsibility. (This is ours. The Higher Realms are another story.)

It is here that I can see why personal empowerment and soul sovereignty are the “why” of my work in the world, the way of my soul purpose. The more of us that reclaim and re-engage our personal power as well as exercise our spiritual power (and boundaries), the less likely that 1% is able to find or penetrate those places of weak/little protection. While what I do doesn’t charge, the why I do what I do carries more weight, has deeper meaning, elicits greater conviction.

I’m clearer now, albeit will still be processing other layers of sacred rage in the weeks to come. I’m more committed and emboldened now. This work is vital. It is not an option.

Liberation and Reclamation are the Truth, the Light, and the Way.

I am grateful for Inner Sun Alchemy and I am grateful for the Lightworker Incubator. I see now that the Incubator serves as the answer to the deeper Call that this Fierce Protector has for the world: the prioritization of one’s humanity (and all its personal & societal implications) and one’s spiritual nature. The imposed artificial division must succumb to Death. We are the Resurrected—we call ourselves back to Life.

* deep breath *

This is the healing journey, the dance with the Mystery/Unknown/Shadow. Buried treasure lies here in the Dark, bearing witness to that which has not even been subconsciously known, and speaking truth to thoughts & feelings that have long been residing in the ocean depths. It is a walk that must be done with respect and lots of space/time. There’s no rush here.

The journey goes from ~

1) Unknown (unaware) <—> 2) Known (aware)

3) Seeing & Speaking (acknowledgement) <—> 4) Understanding (digestion)

5) Reconciliation (assimilation & integration) <—> 6) Implementation (wisdom & growth)

I’ve shared the first 2 steps. I’m sitting in the third and fourth while I’m cognizant of the fact that a new round of the first and second steps are about to begin again. Fierce Protector is not done.

Step 3 & 4 are hard. No one likes to sit with & feel uncomfortable emotions and journal and talk about them. I’m no different. It feels exorbitant to take up space with my piece of Chaos. But these apprehensions are the liars—part societal/cultural training, part fear. I know better because I’ve done work like this before. And so I reign in my cardinal sign nature, get in the boxing ring, and prepare to tango with all of myself. Fierce Protector matches my moves perfectly. This is love.

(Like for real, do you understand how much love there must be for the Unknown to have for you in committing to holding your power and the deepest parts of you that you do not see or show the world; that is committed to keeping all of that contained and safe so that you never really lose yourself; and which has deity-level strength and equanimity to do so? Do you?!)

I imagine many of you are doing your own types of healing & transformation work. Keep going. Take a break when needed. Ultimately, invest MORE in the creating of the new comparative to your time in the Dark.

I’m right there with you.