December 25, 2024

(Below is a partial share of my journal writing as I sat with a cup of ceremonial grade cacao for a time of sacred communion and deep listening on Christmas morning 2024.)

With the first sip of cacao, thoughts about one of the reasons my Tree aspect has come up is to stretch my body perspective past the bounds of the lunar cycle/menstrual cycle. The early stages of this perimenopause journey where, while I”m not skipping my periods, I can get the inklings at the outer edges of my conscious awareness that liberation from these bounds is coming. This transition of holding emerging “timelessness” in the midst of all that I’ve known for over 3 decades is an interesting internal experience. I didn’t realize this was the version of Woman who literally straddles two shores on opposite ends of a great ocean, and whose powerful legs are acting as a transference system of wisdom, experiences, skills, resources, biology, and more across this vast distance. A rainbow bridge if you will. (shoutout to Thomas of Hermit’s Mirror) I realize now why I could never see the next “future me”. There’s a different ecosystem in my body being crafted right now that will serve as my vehicle–Earth’s gift and provision–for the remainder of my time on this planet. This is not even a death of my old self, but rather a repurposing of what has been and/or completely transforming it into something else. I think this is another deeper reason I’ve been so excited about post-50 year old life. I’m going to be gaining so much more access to my body–rather my body for me, fully–rather than as a potential incubator for human life. I’m excited. Given that my own mother entered menopause in her early 50s, and I just started experiencing symptoms a few years ago, I’m well on my way to the halfway point of my transition.

The Tree aspect is also a reminder that here is a timeless Mother within–literally a co-creation of Earth Itself & influenced by my maternal lineage–that’s driving this process. None of this is by my will or effort. Or control. Seeing this perspective now makes sense why these last 2 nights leading into Christmas I had night sweats for the first time in 2 years. Birth water. And setting aside financial stress and political instability, I have a deeper perspective of my available energy to create. It is diminished fundamentally because of the repurposing work and transit journey of embodiment on the other shore. Of course, it’s not that I can’t create or that I’m uninspired, but the rate of output and the way I’ve done things has to adjust and become secondary. That which is important to me still gets handled responsibly, but I need more of myself for the “me” that is being molded.

I can’t believe–but also can believe–that I’ve been thinking something was wrong with me when in reality, I just didn't know where I was within me or this natural sacred process. Why does no one talk about transition? Especially over such a long period of time? WE have support and ceremony and reverence (at times) for the clear beginning & end points (i.e. initiations of menstruation or menopause). But where is the wisdom and space-holding and reverence and ceremony for (up to) a decade of transition? I ask out of curiosity because to date, I don’t recall that being present or at least referenced in history/other cultures. I’m sure something exists and I simply haven’t been exposed to it. But this is where I would love Crone wisdom…and not exclusive or limited to physical body support, but also the mental, emotional, and spiritual contemplations, meditations, and “mile markers” that one finds along this universal experience. How do I become timeless? How do I navigate the part of me that desperately wants to be free of my internal blood clock and the part of me that doesn’t know what the anchor or center will be when that clock disappears. Does my moon body become a sun body? Or will I be overwhelmed by all the other body cycles that whisper in my ear yet could never hear because this internal clock was much louder?

As I peered into the residue left behind after finishing the cacao, the first things that came to mind looking at the bowl was the image of an eye as well as an ovum. Of course because I’ve been drinking from one side, it looks like an ovum that is open at the bottom spilling out its contents. Now that everything has dried after all my earlier writing, what I also notice are two large droplets of oil (saturated fat of the cacao) along with smaller droplets along the opened path. There are no other droplets along the upper ⅔ of the dried contents. The walls of the bowl also show striations as the contents decreased over time as I drank, looking like the inner rings in the cross section of a tree trunk. The bottom of the bowl looks like rivers that traced the flow of the cacao as I drank it. With these striations, there are two wide bands with thin, smaller ones in between.

One thing I’m remembering now: I recently came across the scientific discovery that menstrual blood contains stem cells. I’m wondering where/how that creation shows up after transition.

I’m grateful. I’m grateful it’s peaceful enough that I can even be aware of what is happening and this process of life. My menses is starting in a few days and I know from 3 decades of experience that that which arises during this time represents the important issues for me to address before heading into the next cycle. Where normally I would be looking simply for ways where I might have not been in power or respected, or basically the ‘bad’ things, I can open my perspective and approach now to consider that which is being created and emerging. Where a portion of those stem cells are reinvesting back into my body. If I do my accounting/self-assessment, I have shown up responsibly and with self-respect with how I’ve cared for my body, my living space, my boundaries around what I will and will not do, and my creative expression. I have not betrayed myself or gone back on my word to myself. I’ve paid attention to what I actually wanted rather than my ideas of what I wanted. And overall I have been less anxious and worried less. I have also helped my maternal ancestral lineage.

What is emerging is the direct energetic connection between my heart and my future self. A flourishing internal ecosystem that catalyzed with my decision to not wait for others in this process and go where my heart and intuition leads me. What I’m also realizing now is that this new ecosystem doesn’t require external input or fertilization, building in this ecosystem doesn’t require ‘other’. This ecosystem is VAST and I’m just at the border of it. The soil is nutrient dense and teh plants and trees growing here are healthy and proliferating quickly–more quickly than I thought possible. I will set this dried bowl of cacao on my ancestor altar to share this experience with my ancestors. As I stand at the border of this ecosystem, I cannot enter just yet. The land is in the process of developing with new life so that when I do enter, I can cultivate and harvest well. I have to keep in check that part of me that wants to develop a process/framework to share and guide others through. That would be cultivating and harvesting too soon before my land has matured. I would harm my future self and abundance by doing so. Sharing my experience at times is enough. I don’t have anything ‘new’ to give in service to others besides that which comes down from Spirit as important. I am ‘spiritual mother’ at times when ‘visiting the temple’, but my work predominantly is in my world-building now. The location of the altar has changed and is being built now and consciously devoting myself to that work that Mother Earth has brought to my conscious awareness. I stand at my body’s threshold. And that natural strength and ability of mine to do so with unwavering devotion and commitment is being remembered now. Half my lifetime ago, I stood at the threshold of communion with God/Spirit. A void of immensity that was incomprehensible. Here I stand at the threshold of Earth Herself within me, waiting patiently and empowering my love and faith and devotion.

I originally planned to sit with cacao for the winter solstice. That didn’t happen. This was better. 🙂

A new me is being energetically constructed in an Earth womb. This is the view of darkness–it is not something wrong, but rather incubation. All soul aspects of me are shifting, new angel wings must grow, new energetic layers reorient…